I love Luci. She's the most realistic mom I know my age. She doesn't pull any punches with her two girls, and she's been brutally honest with them about sex and drugs, including revealing plenty of anecdotes about her own experiences, thus ensuring her two girls will, most likely, never have sex. Forget about telling your kids "just say no" and giving them that "why buy the cow?" crap; if you want to make sure your kids never do drugs or have sex, let Luci tell them stories about her high school boyfriend using sandwich bags for condoms.
Here's her most recent "Joy of Motherhood" e-mail:
"Randi Sue is going to a marching band party tonight. Damn, I should have put her on the pill during Spring Break... This is an actual conversation we had a couple of days ago while she was filling out the forms to pick her classes for next year:
MA: Maybe next year you'll get to touch Meat's (the kid she has a crush on) meat!
RS: I'm not ready to touch anybody's meat thank you.
MA: Wow. By your age I was already slinging it around like confetti. Of course it wasn't any fun. It was like being poked with a big inexperienced finger.
RS: Sigh.
MA: Covered in a Ziploc bag with a rubber band at the top since my 'boyfriend' was too embarrassed to buy condoms.
RS: Is there any question in your mind as to why I want to be a psychologist?
MA: Hey, if you even get a high school diploma, you beat your old Ma.
RS: If you keep talking to me I'm going to put in the wrong numbers and end up in a 'How to give a blow job' class.
MA: Don't be silly. You only need to take that if you're not going to college.
End scene.
I want my Parent of the Year award and I want it now!!!"
.... Tonight, on a very special Blossom
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
The Italian Toolbox
As the end of the semester draws near and I can breathe a little more deeply, I turn my attention to things on the home front that desperately need my attention. You know the sort of thing I speak of: the fence that's half-installed, half lying in a tidy pile in the side year; the living room walls that need trim paint; and don't even get me started on my fireplace. So I figure that since my classes are technically over I can start with something small and get a jump on the summer, even though I have to grade some papers for my grad assistantship.
I have caulk. I have knife. I have prior experience, albeit it wasn't necessarily a GOOD experience. So I settle into my bathtub and take out the old crappy caulk. When I've got the bulk of it removed I reach for mineral spirits, acetone, or even rubbing alcohol to remove the skin that's left and clean up so I can caulk.
Nothing. Nada. I have nothing on hand that will do this. Now, since I need to caulk the tub so I can, oh, I don't know, shower in the near future, I'm debating a run to Home Depot when I realize that, as a proper Italian, I do have something on hand that'll get the job done.
I go to my refrigerator and pull out... Yup, you guessed it: booze. See, in my fridge I have raki, a yummy little bottle filled with, as far as I can tell, ethyl alcohol mixed with some anise for flavor. Despite its yummy peppermint taste, I can't drink the stuff much, like more than a very diluted shot once every few years. I honestly can't say why this stuff is even in my fridge, but at the moment I don't care because it's saving me a trip to the store and a lot of work in cleanup.
So I clean up the caulk in the tub, then wash my hands in raki. Then I notice that I have some caulk on my leg, so I use a little more raki to get that off. Oh, what's that- a spot on my foot? No problem, I just scrub with a bit of raki and it comes right off. It's about this time when I realize that the bathroom reeks of liquor, which means I must smell like a wino with an expensive palate. Of course, I just caulked the tub, so I can't take a shower.
And then I remember: I have a class tonight. Yes, I know I said I was done with classes, and I am - technically. I mean, I'm not a student in a class meeting this evening. No, my class tonight is the one I'm TA'ing. So NOT appropriate to show up smelling like I just, well, bathed in liquor.
But at least the tub looks better.
I have caulk. I have knife. I have prior experience, albeit it wasn't necessarily a GOOD experience. So I settle into my bathtub and take out the old crappy caulk. When I've got the bulk of it removed I reach for mineral spirits, acetone, or even rubbing alcohol to remove the skin that's left and clean up so I can caulk.
Nothing. Nada. I have nothing on hand that will do this. Now, since I need to caulk the tub so I can, oh, I don't know, shower in the near future, I'm debating a run to Home Depot when I realize that, as a proper Italian, I do have something on hand that'll get the job done.
I go to my refrigerator and pull out... Yup, you guessed it: booze. See, in my fridge I have raki, a yummy little bottle filled with, as far as I can tell, ethyl alcohol mixed with some anise for flavor. Despite its yummy peppermint taste, I can't drink the stuff much, like more than a very diluted shot once every few years. I honestly can't say why this stuff is even in my fridge, but at the moment I don't care because it's saving me a trip to the store and a lot of work in cleanup.
So I clean up the caulk in the tub, then wash my hands in raki. Then I notice that I have some caulk on my leg, so I use a little more raki to get that off. Oh, what's that- a spot on my foot? No problem, I just scrub with a bit of raki and it comes right off. It's about this time when I realize that the bathroom reeks of liquor, which means I must smell like a wino with an expensive palate. Of course, I just caulked the tub, so I can't take a shower.
And then I remember: I have a class tonight. Yes, I know I said I was done with classes, and I am - technically. I mean, I'm not a student in a class meeting this evening. No, my class tonight is the one I'm TA'ing. So NOT appropriate to show up smelling like I just, well, bathed in liquor.
But at least the tub looks better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
